I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
Randomize
