I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
