Now that I've come to graduate college. I realized the only discernible skill I learned was how to roll a joint properly. go me.
Well thats $24,000 well spent.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
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