he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
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