how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
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