It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
is this the sara with the beer cane?
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
