why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
Randomize
