I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
I kinda realized titty fucking is purely for our enjoyment, they dont really get much out of it, except for a guy sitting on them and and a dick bouncing of their chin
Randomize
