new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
Randomize
