when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
