i jhust puked up my retainher.
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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