you turned your livingroom into a bong?
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
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