That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize