she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
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