Having a conversation over beer pong about a threesome I participated in...it's only Wednesday
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
I feel like a drive thru vagina
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
Randomize
