I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
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