$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize
