You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
We just took shots out of seashells. Welcome spring break 10.
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
