Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
Can't talk, ducks in the car
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
Randomize