She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
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