Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
Randomize
