The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
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