I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
It's hard to believe so much cum came out of such a small penis.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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