You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
there was a trapeze. enough said
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
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