Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
JAMES WASHOMGTON STATE ATTACKED US
WE'RE FYCKED UL HARDCORW
THE REISLING ATRACEX US
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
But is that really the name you want to scream out during climax?
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
Randomize
