I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
Randomize
