I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
