My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
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