You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
Come on Nikki god gave you a vagina for a reason, so you could tell guys what kind of shots to buy you
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
Randomize