fuck your aforementioned shoe
ASIANS HAVE SEX TOO!! I just watched it happen in the library.
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
Randomize