Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
