that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
Randomize
