so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
You pointed at his crotch then made a thrusting motion. I think it's safe to say every guy at my college loves you.
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
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