Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women.
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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