I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
Randomize
