im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
Randomize
