A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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