Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
Reggie can tackle my bush.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
Randomize
