I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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