kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
Life for us students isn't all fun and drunken lesbian affairs you know
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
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