just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
