this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
Randomize
