ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
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