On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
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