Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
I am naked and annoyed.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
