There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
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