She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
so I think I'm done having sex with her, she's way too crazy
what about the blowjobs for adderall?
no those are still okay
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
Randomize
