To answer your question of whether I "went back," tits just informed me I was kicked out for falling off my barstool and passing out on the floor...
Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
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