Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
So many stories. To uyou are sober. I heart you though. Jesus. Dirrty dancing jusyt came oine!!no. Lie.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
You misunderstood me....i wasnt asking and it is not negotiable
You're making this sound more like a hostage situation than a booty call.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
Randomize
