Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
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