There are 3 speedbumps now up. Think you can manage the urge to piss on them?
Aw shit! That's like putting me a in a room full of Captiain Crunch Donuts and Jasper Hale and not letting me put my mouth on either.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
I've hooked up with six guys in my ethics class next semester...I feel like I've failed already
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
Randomize
