woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Randomize
