She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
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