The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
Where did you get a picture of my penis
found a dugout with weed in it in dad's car. decided to top up the weed compartment with salvia. for fun.
I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
