Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
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