I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
I just found a bag of teeth...
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
Are we planning this because I am online looking for places with a Mechanical bull
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Randomize