so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
walkin around the woods blazed, drawing pictures of trees and plants, i get a grade for this
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
