Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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