I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
are you wasted or are you getting laid?
ebdebdebdebd
wow
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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