The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
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