I'm pants shitting drunk right now
Ps there is totally a drug addled prostitute in olympic pizza asking for change for a 100 bill
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
Randomize
