I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
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