Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
Who is naked dude in the kitchen?
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